Hard to say Good-bye

I'll admit it.  I love my fat body.  Yes I love every ounce and inch of the body I have right now.   
I'm learning to accept me  today just as I am.  I'm not going to beat myself up over what I put into my mouth yesterday because it's over and I can't un-eat anything.
BUT I can work on today and most importantly this very minute.   Every day I have choices to make.  I can choose to wear a dress or pants to work.  I can choose to curl my hair or let it be straight.  I can choose to eat this apple or not. I can choose to open the candy wrapper of the candy bar on my desk or not.  All choices are mine and only mine. 
Options are great to have don't you think?  I like options.  I like information too. I've tried to educate myself in the last few months.  I've learned about Gluten and what it does to my body.  I've had a few nasty run ins with gluten that left me with terrible heartburn brought on by it.  Gluten is in just about everything we eat, at least in the processed foods.  Fresh foods like fruits and vegetables are gluten free. AMEN!
I've never had heartburn from an apple or an avocado.  
I learned I am Gluten Intolerant and have avoided gluten in foods. Unfortunately foods processed without gluten usually have sugar as a main ingredient.  Gluten free does not mean taste free, but manufacturers think sugar is necessary to make a food taste better.  It's difficult to avoid sugar if something is gluten free and comes from a box on the grocery shelf (frozen foods included).
So what do I do when I don't feel like cooking a meal at home?  I've started to just avoid eating. When I do eat, I over eat the processed foods with added sugar.  Vicious cycle begins and ends with bad choices.
So, how do I start making better choices?  I need to stop saying the word DIET.  It's like a dirty word and to most people it means DEPRIVATION.  It says  I CAN'T HAVE _____.  How about saying I'd like to have ____ and the choice is up to me?  I like the option of choices.  I want to change my relationship with food and eating to a healthy living relationship.  I'd like to have the healthy choices become automatic and natural.
Every day I have hundreds of choices to make from what I wear to what I eat.   An alcoholic knows they are one drink away from becoming a drinker again.  A drug addict knows they are one drug away from addiction again. So it is with a food addiction.  Yes, we need food to live, but we don't need high sugar, high fat and high salt foods to survive.  Making healthy choices will help me avoid going back to the sugar, fat and salt addiction I'm living with now.
I'm left questioning whether giving or buying for someone else those foods which I would not choose for myself.  Do I enable their unhealthy choices or give them the healthy choices I make for me?
If my friends or family suddenly start getting fruit baskets and gluten free foods from me they will know I LOVE them enough to not give them poisonous foods.  I'd like to have my friends and family around longer to enjoy life with me.

Click it into place and let's get this going....

I’ve got all my ducks in a row. I’ve placed all my cards on the table.

I’ll do it next week.

I’ve got this thing!!!!!

No more I’ll start it tomorrow.  I’m doing it today.  WOW has it been a crazy, exhausting two weeks for me.

I started the WLC (weight loss challenge) and the first week I lost 2 pounds. I was shocked.  I just changed how much protein I was eating each day and boom I dropped 2.

I’ll take that and keep right on chewing my protein at every meal.

It’s getting easier to think about what I’m eating and why I should eat it.  Every day I make a protein smoothie using my Pro7ein powder and frozen fruit.  One scoop is 34 grams of protein.  I’m trying to add it in at the end of the day since I’m working out again like I used to do. 

I get my Pro7ein from Nutri Shop  at The Shops at West End. Here's the link:

https://www.facebook.com/NutriShopMN

I’m training twice a week and loving how I feel.  I have more energy and stamina.  I’m getting back into shape physically and mentally as well.

My work outs have changed to be more strength and muscle building while my ankle/foot continues to heal.  Six months since my surgery and I’m finally walking without a limp.

I've had quite a bit of arthritis pain in my fingers and wrists.  It's like a needle being jammed between the joints OUCH!  My thumb joints have started to change so when I'm using any hand weights or the machines I feel the sting.

I’ve met some great people too who are in my WLC class.  One of the ladies went with me to the gym and I showed her how to work the equipment she didn’t know how to use.  It felt good to help someone else out like that.  I did 3,000 steps on the treadmill which was huge since my foot has been hurting so much.   New shoes made all the difference.  I bought Ryka shoes and the fit is amazing.

I fought a few stomach and flu bugs so I was able to take care of my Grandson Riley when he got sick.  Poor little guy had been throwing up and was running a fever too.  But a few nights with Grandma and he was back to normal a.k.a. chattering endlessly.  The next day he started potty training FINALLY.  Boy is he one stubborn little guy.

My Pearly Girl is doing so much better.  Every day I see her come out of her shell a little more.  She is content and knows she’s loved.  She sees someone grab her leash and she walks right over to the door to wait.

I'll sleep right here zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 Please visit the extremely funny, gorgeous and honest Kristen Johnston at her website.  She wrote her own tell all about her journey to hell and back in the book Guts.

http://www.gutsthebook.com/home.html

Out of the BOOT

After 5 LONG months of wearing that walking boot I am finally done with the thing!
I feel as though I have been set free from a foot prison.  No more walking funny.  Do you have any idea how out of alignment your hips and back can become from wearing one of those walking boots(cast)?  Well, it's a lot.
I began Physical Therapy in December to learn how to walk on my newly screwed and remodeled foot. I have noticed a big difference in how I walk and how it feels a month later.  I'll never regret doing PT, but I would never have the foot surgery again.  The Arthritis pain I think I can live with now. My hands hurt a lot right now with this cold weather. I just take my pain medicine and go on with my day.
The Rheumatologist suggested I move to Arizona or Florida.  I said what about Jamaica and he said that would be fine too just as long as it's a warm climate.   
I got myself back on track with Weight Watchers and dropped 3.4 pounds in two weeks. I got very discouraged after being sick with the norovirus and only losing the 1.4 pounds and stopped tracking.  Oh boy was that a dumb move on my part.  
Tonight I start a new chapter as in a challenge to myself.  I signed up for the Community Weight Loss Challenge thru the Hopkins Community Ed program. Runs 1/23/13 to 3/13/13.  I hired a Person Trainer again and signed up for two thirty minute sessions a week.  The first session with Jessica I felt for 5 days afterward.  This will be GREAT!!!
I still can't do more than 10 minutes on the treadmill, but I can use the recumbent bike and elliptical.
Now that all those nasty sick bugs have left my body I can focus on the weight loss and reaching a goal.  My goal is to finish all my half started sewing projects. I did successfully finish my Grandson's car seat cover. 

     

I promised a friend I would sew the dress she is wearing for her vow renewal in Jamaica in 70+ days. So that's a lot of sewing to get done, but I can't eat while I sew so that will help me a lot too.
I'm making outfits for myself to wear as well and I would like them in a smaller size.





We have the sweetest little dog, I mentioned her last blog entry after our beloved Captain died. 

Pearl is so precious and quite the princess. She was attacked at a dog park almost a month ago.  I have never been so scared nor so pissed at a dog owner.  We didn't stay to find out who owned the dog, but I will stalk that park until I find that beast.  
Pearl only suffered a puncture wound, but she's now too frightened to be at the dog park even in the small dog area.   
She made the cutest Christmas dog though. 

My challenge to all of you is to find something ANYTHING that you want so badly you just have to have it.  Get to your goal and show yourself how strong you can be today!   

Terrible week......Turns into Thankfullness

I'm not moving from this spot!

What an incredibly crap-o-la week?  Yes it was.  My beloved dog Captain Barbossa died suddenly on Wednesday morning.  That dog would lick anything and everything.  The chair, the floor, the rug, the air- ANYTHING.  But oh how we loved him. Every annoying thing he did made him so loveable. He gave 200% unconditional love to everyone he met.  He barked to announce “Mommies home” when he heard the garage door opening.  He barked to let us know someone had come to visit.  Sometimes he didn’t think we knew and he’d bark the entire time the visitor Bob was there. 

Isaak it's not a wig it's all my hair

  He let my grandkids pull his hair and he happily ate everything they dropped while eating.  He was willing to be that kind of helper and keep my floors clear of food and anything else he could lick off the floor or chairs.

Mommy I got lots of kisses for you

I have never understood the way a dog loves his humans.  I watched Captain get stepped on, yet come back for more.  I’d get frustrated and yell at him to not keep getting under my feet. Look, a cast with a kneely wheely is not conducive for a tail wagging, four-legged, fuzzy buddy.  I just didn’t want to hurt him again, his cry of pain cut right thru to my heart.  Yet he always got under my feet because he just had to be near Mommy.

shhh I'm sleeping with my snowman

Now my life feels a bit empty without my “Cappy Tan” to greet me after work.  I hear noises and it’s not his cute snoring or his sleeping dreams. 

Captain at Ren Fest 2010

Captain Barbossa

We’ve decided to adopt another fur-baby and give another dog a happy home.  Pearl is the little Pekingese we spotted last month, but decided to wait on because we didn’t think Captain would like an attention stealer in HIS home.  He died so we could give Pearl a fur-ever home of her own.  Thank you Captain.  She’s younger than Captain was when we got him 3 years ago.  Captain was 10 when we adopted him. Pearl is 3 years old so I hope we have 10+ years with her.    My Grandkids can grow up with a dog at Grandma and Grandpa’s house now.

I had planned on blogging about my meal plans and such, but after my fuzzy buddy died it all just seemed meaningless.  I loved that little dog and he even got my grumpy Father to love him too. My Father just admitted last week that he “loves that little dog” to our friends. He’d never tell us, but we already knew it.  Him saying it just brought it home to everyone else. 

Pearl

He may be almost 81, but he sure enjoyed every walk he went on with the dogs we’ve adopted.  His first question is usually “Can the dog walk on a leash?”  We know he’s hooked the first time he snaps the leash on the collar and heads out the door.  You see my Father doesn’t walk the dog, the dog walks HIM.  The dog dictates where they go and how far they go every time they step out the door!

Rest In Peace Captain and I’ll be seeing you, Simon, Amber, Tucker, Duke, Smokey and Butchy at the Rainbow Bridge.

Give a pet a loving home this Christmas. I promise you won’t regret it!!!

http://www.pncmidwest.org/

http://www.petfinder.com/index.html

Thanks for giving me Turkey in 2010 and for such a great NON fur family!!

Fall into new things

Lake Minnetonka, Minnesota

As I approach my 53^rd birthday I can look back and see the many changes I’ve gone thru in just the last 10 years.

I once had a very narrow view of life and in the world around me.  Now I’m able to view the world with a panoramic vision.  I see how A affects B and how B affects C, but not A.  I used to have such a one dimensional perspective of how my life impacted or didn’t impact other peoples’ lives.  Today I know that my words and actions can have significant impact on people I may never meet in person.  The internet has opened me to many more perspectives on world views, politics as well as how I choose to live my life.

I’m inspired by people I’ve met online who are fighting the same battles I am and are winning as well.

My weight loss battle is going slow.  Being in this cast has sidelined me and I’m not happy about it at all.  I know this is to be expected as I can’t do any real exercising.  I’m mainly maintaining my weight.  No big gains or losses so I’m learning to live with it.   Every journey has a detour on its route.  Mine is lasting 3 months, but I will reach my goals taking things one day at a time.

I’m much more conscious of how I’m feeling and what I’m eating than I was 2 months ago.  I’m reaching for food when I’m bored, not hungry.  So if I’m reaching for foods I’m trying to upgrade my choices from junk to healthy food like fruit or fiber rich snacks.  I’m more aware of feeling full and trying to eat slowly.  I can always eat more food later if I’m still hungry.  I don’t need to gorge myself until I’m feeling so full I’m in pain.  I’m putting my fork down and enjoying the taste of the food rather than eating it so fast that I don’t even remember how it tasted.  You know how you remember something you once ate and it tasted SO yummy and good you just can’t forget it.  The sad thing is when we do eat that food again, our memory might have remembered it tasting much better than it actually tastes.  I hate when that happens, but I’m learning to just enjoy the memory and not fight to go find that food again to relive that memorable taste.  I’ve been disappointed too many times.

It’s a bit like the memory one might have of a first love.  Oh the memories are of this great person and how they made your stomach feel all tingly.  As long as we hold on to just the happy memories we’re fine, but once we go deeper and remember the painful moments of that first love and how it ended….. Well maybe it’s just better to leave that in the past as a happy memory and look to your present or future for the REAL love in your life.

I’ve recently had a chance to explore the past and relive some of the more painful memories of growing up.  I had people tease me about my weight.  Merciless teasing so it got to the point that I dreaded school and thought about ending my life.  I never thought anyone would truly love me OPENLY in front of other people.  I lived for YEARS hating one guy from school for his constant teasing.  I thought of revenge many times, but would never act on it.  Why waste my time and energy on a loser like Jeff  S.?  I have much more to offer than hatred and anger.

I’m much happier in my life today than I was 10 years ago.  I was unhappy and miserable. I just wanted someone to love me just the way I was and not try to change me.  Love me openly for the whole world to see.  God heard my prayers and sent me to Thomas.  Thomas needed someone to love him just the way he was too.  No trying to change who he is and I love him openly with all my heart.  Together we have enjoyed a great journey so far and our journeys continue every day.  We live to be with each other not to escape each other.  We decided long ago we are TEAM G!

When you’re on the right team the whole world is open before you.