Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Fall into new things

Lake Minnetonka, Minnesota

As I approach my 53rd birthday I can look back and see the many changes I’ve gone thru in just the last 10 years.
I once had a very narrow view of life and in the world around me.  Now I’m able to view the world with a panoramic vision.  I see how A affects B and how B affects C, but not A.  I used to have such a one dimensional perspective of how my life impacted or didn’t impact other peoples’ lives.  Today I know that my words and actions can have significant impact on people I may never meet in person.  The internet has opened me to many more perspectives on world views, politics as well as how I choose to live my life.

I’m inspired by people I’ve met online who are fighting the same battles I am and are winning as well.
My weight loss battle is going slow.  Being in this cast has sidelined me and I’m not happy about it at all.  I know this is to be expected as I can’t do any real exercising.  I’m mainly maintaining my weight.  No big gains or losses so I’m learning to live with it.   Every journey has a detour on its route.  Mine is lasting 3 months, but I will reach my goals taking things one day at a time.

I’m much more conscious of how I’m feeling and what I’m eating than I was 2 months ago.  I’m reaching for food when I’m bored, not hungry.  So if I’m reaching for foods I’m trying to upgrade my choices from junk to healthy food like fruit or fiber rich snacks.  I’m more aware of feeling full and trying to eat slowly.  I can always eat more food later if I’m still hungry.  I don’t need to gorge myself until I’m feeling so full I’m in pain.  I’m putting my fork down and enjoying the taste of the food rather than eating it so fast that I don’t even remember how it tasted.  You know how you remember something you once ate and it tasted SO yummy and good you just can’t forget it.  The sad thing is when we do eat that food again, our memory might have remembered it tasting much better than it actually tastes.  I hate when that happens, but I’m learning to just enjoy the memory and not fight to go find that food again to relive that memorable taste.  I’ve been disappointed too many times.

It’s a bit like the memory one might have of a first love.  Oh the memories are of this great person and how they made your stomach feel all tingly.  As long as we hold on to just the happy memories we’re fine, but once we go deeper and remember the painful moments of that first love and how it ended….. Well maybe it’s just better to leave that in the past as a happy memory and look to your present or future for the REAL love in your life.
I’ve recently had a chance to explore the past and relive some of the more painful memories of growing up.  I had people tease me about my weight.  Merciless teasing so it got to the point that I dreaded school and thought about ending my life.  I never thought anyone would truly love me OPENLY in front of other people.  I lived for YEARS hating one guy from school for his constant teasing.  I thought of revenge many times, but would never act on it.  Why waste my time and energy on a loser like Jeff  S.?  I have much more to offer than hatred and anger.

I’m much happier in my life today than I was 10 years ago.  I was unhappy and miserable. I just wanted someone to love me just the way I was and not try to change me.  Love me openly for the whole world to see.  God heard my prayers and sent me to Thomas.  Thomas needed someone to love him just the way he was too.  No trying to change who he is and I love him openly with all my heart.  Together we have enjoyed a great journey so far and our journeys continue every day.  We live to be with each other not to escape each other.  We decided long ago we are TEAM G!
When you’re on the right team the whole world is open before you.